Restrictive life?

Am I boring?

I feel guilty for not wanting to be out all night. I’m scared that I’m letting myself be boring. I love doing nothing at home. Or is it that I’m too scared to be tired and sick that restricts me from doing anything? I get anxious of just the thought of being out all night. Why am I so scared of being tired? What am I afraid of?

I’m afraid of not being able to work out because I’m tired. I’m afraid of losing control over my body. Finally I’m happy and I am scared of loosing it. I cant afford to loose it. I’ve been lost for my whole life and now finally when I feel at home and content I think that I’m doing everything to keep my happiness under control, and that makes me scared of impulsive decisions. I have a routine that works. I have a routine where I can get my energy from training, where I always wake up feeling rested, where I have control over my day ahead. And If I fuck with that routine I’m probably scared, deep inside, that I might loose track of my emotions and happiness. If I try the unknown; what if my anxiety comes back? What if I start doubting myself? What if I don’t like who I am? Again. That’s why I love keeping it safe. And that’s why I don’t like going out anymore. Because I’m scared of loosing the love for myself. Again. And I’m not willing to jeopardise that.

But I know that I am such an extreme case of a human. It’s everything or nothing, and I say that if I want to do something, like have a beer or a “real” coffee I will just have it. But when you have been “good” for so long, and not had any alcohol or coffee it might turn into a competition, and I don’t like myself when I’m competing with myself. That’s when shit get pear-shaped. I get too restrictive and I only like myself if I stay within the frames I’ve created. As much as I have to work towards being happy, healthy and energized I also have to work towards not restricting myself from living. I’m not just worth loving when I am as “perfect” as one can be. And perfect isn’t “never being unhealthy” perfect is when I can just be without judging myself. I have to loosen up and live outside of my robotic rules, because otherwise I might get to forty and wonder what the hell happened and when I stopped living? And that’s a nightmare. Last night I had one beer, and today I had a real coffee. I wont start boozing and drinking coffee regularly because that will not make me happy, but I will not allow myself to feel like I have let myself down if I have a beer or a coffee once in a while. For normal people this is probably gibberish. Most people probably don’t think anywhere near this, but for me it is a constant dialogue in my head. And I just try to feed both sides evenly so the crazy-addictive side doesn’t take over the crazy-rules side.

I actually love my life now. More than I’ve ever loved life before. But I’m constantly working on getting better, happier and healthier, and sometimes you have to take a few steps back in order to get back on the right track.



Old places, old habbits

It’s funny, or not funny really. Strange might be the word. Frustrating? It’s like all my restlessness, lack of self esteem and obscure body image is trapped in the walls of my old room. I’m easily agitated. I feel fat but I know that I’m not. I’m frustrated with mum and dad, or mostly dad. Or his carriage? It’s like my old soul was waiting for me here.

Well this sounds a bit worse than it is. We are having an amazing time, mostly, and I love spending time with my parents. I don’t want to get away from them. I love them. But sometimes I get so frustrated because they aren’t taking care of themselves in the way I would love them to. Because I care about them. I Suppose this is how frustrated they used to be with me. When I didn’t care about my health. When I drank too much. When I starved. So I suppose that we are even now. But Life isn’t a competition, and I just want them to be happy. Like they wanted me to be happy back then. I feel my old feelings of helplessness awakens. And I feel this field of electricity in my body, like I can’t reach them. I cant reach dad and his carriage. And then I feel like my body is not what I want it to be. Like I did then. Like my old self would think. And feel.

Adrian wondered how I feel here. He could sense something. Am I’m happy. Content? Honestly, I just feel lost in my body. But happy to be here. And then it fucking hit me. It’s lingonberry week soon. It’s not the walls, and old habits entering my body. It’s my bloody, literally, hormones messing with my brain. Like they do every single month. And that I always forget. Surprise surprise.mayaadrian

Vacation at home!

What a weird feeling. Strange experience. I’m back in Stockholm, in the hippie apartment, with paintings and concrete tables everywhere. Plants and guitars. Circus lights and love. I love this apartment, and walking in I didn’t feel like it had been more then a week since I last was there. The only thing that felt weird was the dining table. It used to be so big. And now it felt so small. As an effort to beat the jetlag we decided to go for a walk up the main street. Get some fresh air to keep us from falling asleep to early. It’s interesting. Two years has passed but the first person I see on the street is the lady with the trolley. She is homeless and walks around with a trolley brimmed with god knows what. Bags and blankets. Every time I see her I wonder what she has in that trolley, and how often she goes through it. Like my dad believes that his body is a carriage, Marie- which is her name, might believe that the trolley is a part of her. She asks for money to buy food and coffee. Two years, and it’s like nothing has changed.

It’s a fun experience to go on a holiday to a place that used to be home. That feels like home in my body. My mum and dad picked us up from the airport. Dad was so excited to tell us he had bought a summer-car, so that we can go places easy when we are here. He is the one person that beats up the price rather than down. It’s a total wreck. Wholes and rust everywhere. And when he proudly shows us the car and open the trunk we see that one tire is completely flat. He brings Adrian along with him to find a gas station with a pump while mum and I are left on the airport parking. Old me would be angry, annoyed and embarrassed. But I can’t do anything but laugh and love. I love them both…so much.


We never question what’s killing us

The rules of society overrules the rules of biology.
It just hit me then, that barely no one is questioning how and why we use and eat things that are slowly killing us, but everyone is questioning you when you are using things and avoiding other, that will make you live longer and healthier.
Basically everything that we are used to, that is normal, things that we doesn’t question, is actually not biologically right, we all know it. And everything that in our society seems like extreme is most likely biologically right to our bodies and minds. We all know that too. Drinking is an obvious example. It’s extremely weird not to drink in our society, it’s not accepted, even if everyone knows that not drinking is better for our body and brain.
It’s extreme to eat only raw, fresh produce chemical free food. People get sort of annoyed if you have a socially “strict” diet, but for our body would be the “normal” and most beneficial diet. Working out everyday is extreme. Not for our body if we work out smart an funktional. If parents are feeding their kids no sugar, no chemicals and no processed food; people react like the parents are taking away their children’s childhood, but biologically speaking what the parents are doing is actually creating the best environment for their bodies and brains to grow. It’s arguably not socially accepted to do what is biologically best for our kids.
Why is it that everything that is best for our bodies, our brains and us is looked upon as socially extreme and “bad”? We are doing things to our body every singe day that is actually destroying our cells and immune system, and causing us diseases. Still people have to justify eating clean and healthy, and no one ever have to justify eating shit and not caring about their health?
What does this say about our society and how we live? I promote love and happiness, and I’ve found that as close to what is natural, not to society, but to the biologically reality I live, the happier, healthier and more energetic I feel.

Stockholm, first time in two years

We are off to Sweden. For three weeks Adrian and I will be cruising down the streets of Stockholm, maybe pop over to Copenhagen if we feel the urge to. I think a lot about what I want to do first. I don’t miss Sweden in particular that much. But there are a few people over there I can’t wait to get my arms around. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Stockholm, with it’s water and buzzing atmosphere in the spring and summer-time. Swedes are like hibernating animals, who sleep-walk through the winter. When spring comes it’s like they’ve all been slapped in the face by the most beautiful hand. A switch happen. In almost everyone’s mood. You can feel it vibrate when you walk the streets of Stockholm. The collective mood of all it’s citizen. Throughout the spring and summer they are connecting. Meeting each other’s eyes, smiling, doing. Living. When the darkness kicks in in company with the cold, eyes stare down on the ground. Disconnect. They rush from A to B without seeing people around them. Without living.
Luckily we arrive when summer meets it’s peak. The day after midsummer; one of the biggest Swedish holidays. The one when we dance around a giant green pole covered with flowers (which symbolizes a dick penetrating the earth). The most classic dance is called “little frogs”. We drink snaps and sing songs to help us all get evenly drunk. People pass out. Vomit. Laugh. It’s the lightest day of the year and before midnight girls are supposed to collect seven different flowers, jump over seven different fences and then put the flowers under their pillow at nigh. The person she dreams of if the one she will marry. (They weren’t gender neutral, and as understanding back when this all started).
So, Adrian and I arrive the day after this whole shenanigan, which means that we can spend the whole first day or two just focusing on mum and dad, since all of the others will be super hang over and probably lack all kinds of endorphins and energy. But that’s totally fine; I think my mum will be satisfied to get her hands on us first.
I can’t wait to see Stockholm and meet everyone I love with my new eyes and calm brain! See you Sunday Stockholm.

When what you’re good at doesn’t feed your soul

Just because you are good at something and comfortable doing it, it doesn’t mean that it feeds your soul. I read this somewhere and I had to write it down. I don’t remember where I saw it. Being good at something and loving to do something is two totally different things. This is something I have to work on constantly, because I tend to easily fall back on what is comfortable, and what I’m good at. I have often been to scared to loose something I love, that I never try to do what actually fulfils me. I think that this might speak to a lot of people. I would be good at many jobs, but there is not many that will fulfill me. Time spent working on/with something that doesn’t feed your soul  takes away a little spark of your life. I think. That’s why I’m on a hunt for a future where what I do constantly nourish my soul, brain and heart.

 I’ve either been to scared to loose or had a lack of trust in my own ability to lead my own life. If you don’t believe that you can do something, If you don’t believe that you have what it takes; you wont! In saying that though, you can create that belief, and when you understand that no one has chosen for you what you can or cannot do; you have chosen it, you can do and achieve whatever you choose to. This might take some time. It mightn’t happen over night. I still argue with the voices of doubt in my head. I bang them down like that mole game, where moles pop up and you slam them down with a hammer. But once you start banging those doubtful moles down it refreshes both you and your confidence. You start a good cycle. Good thoughts feed of other good thoughts and soon you have the perfect mental environment to attract your dream life. By taking small actions in the right direction every day, you soon feel that life is actually for you to live, however you want and choose to.

The key to everything- cold showers!

My love for cold showers keep growing bigger. It is almost magical. I can feel so tired, mentally and physically, and then I have an ice cold shower, and it’s like I’ve woken up from a ten-hour sleep without feeling drowsy. It’s like I’ve had the strongest coffee in the world. Everything feels fresh and clear. I fucking love cold showers! I honestly think that cold showers in combination with a healthy diet and meditation is the key to all good life has to offer. It is life-changing.

 I’ve always sort of known that cold showers are good. You always see athletes standing in the cold water to let their muscles recover, and if you briefly google the subject a lot of research are pointing towards cold showers and increased immune system. But it wasn’t until I heard a Joe Rogan podcast with guest Rhonda Patrick I understood how much cold showers actually affect our bodies and brains. I just got so curious of the benefits of cold therapy. I did a mild cyber-stalk and found Dr Rhonda Patrick’s instagram and website; she is seriously cool. And educating. It’s not just pretty pictures on food; you learn shit about your body and brain from her instagram. Like what kale, broccoli and eggs contain, on a “medical-language-level” that I don’t always understand (read never), and exactly why it’s good for you and what it does to our brain and body. I love to know, even if I don’t always understand it all.

 I found a research Dr Rhonda had done on her website ( and just reading it made me understand why I felt so good after taking cold showers. I mean, this is serious shit.  Cold showers, and the even more advanced cold therapy form: cryotherapy has been suggested to improve mood, memory, metabolism, fat burning and improve your endurance training, but also increase a type of hormone in your body witch act as an anti-inflammatory agent; norepinephrine. Norepinephrine and its inflammatory-fighting properties play a big role of deceases of inflammatory such as arthritis and depression. Apparently inflammation decreases the brains release of serotonin, so with the release of norepinephrine it fights the inflammation so that the brain can produce serotonin.

 Norepinephrine is not just a hormone, it also a neurotransmitter which play a huge part in attention, focus and your mood. And when you have low levels of Norepinephrine you generally have low energy and mood. In one of her own podcasts she interviewed Ray Cronise, former material scientist at NASA, now a huge experimental metabolism and nutrition investigator (he is on day 23 on a water fast when the interview is made). He recommend doing 10sec warm shower-20sec-cold, and end on cold shower. It really helps your body experience all of those amazing things.

 If you have cold showers in the morning you get more energetic and focused, but if you have them at night, say one hour before bed, you actually improve your chances of having a “sleep like a log” kind of experience (I totally thought that it made you more awake?). That is if you don’t interrupt your brain with blue light from your phone, computer and tv. But I usually lay down in front of the TV after my cold shower and I still sleep like I haven’t slept for days.  It’s all so cool. If you are interested in this you have to read her article, it will give you so much more than I can explain! Like how cold showers actually effect and improve brain-function and even brain damage. Everything that she does is founded by her readers and listeners through crowd founding. This is the sort of shit I want to support! So today, a casual Thursday like this, I give you the gift of Rhonda Patricks. If she ever read this: Thank You for sharing your knowledge!

 I run past these crazy people every morning I run. 7.30am in 10(°C). They obviously get it!