Restrictive life?

Am I boring?

I feel guilty for not wanting to be out all night. I’m scared that I’m letting myself be boring. I love doing nothing at home. Or is it that I’m too scared to be tired and sick that restricts me from doing anything? I get anxious of just the thought of being out all night. Why am I so scared of being tired? What am I afraid of?

I’m afraid of not being able to work out because I’m tired. I’m afraid of losing control over my body. Finally I’m happy and I am scared of loosing it. I cant afford to loose it. I’ve been lost for my whole life and now finally when I feel at home and content I think that I’m doing everything to keep my happiness under control, and that makes me scared of impulsive decisions. I have a routine that works. I have a routine where I can get my energy from training, where I always wake up feeling rested, where I have control over my day ahead. And If I fuck with that routine I’m probably scared, deep inside, that I might loose track of my emotions and happiness. If I try the unknown; what if my anxiety comes back? What if I start doubting myself? What if I don’t like who I am? Again. That’s why I love keeping it safe. And that’s why I don’t like going out anymore. Because I’m scared of loosing the love for myself. Again. And I’m not willing to jeopardise that.

But I know that I am such an extreme case of a human. It’s everything or nothing, and I say that if I want to do something, like have a beer or a “real” coffee I will just have it. But when you have been “good” for so long, and not had any alcohol or coffee it might turn into a competition, and I don’t like myself when I’m competing with myself. That’s when shit get pear-shaped. I get too restrictive and I only like myself if I stay within the frames I’ve created. As much as I have to work towards being happy, healthy and energized I also have to work towards not restricting myself from living. I’m not just worth loving when I am as “perfect” as one can be. And perfect isn’t “never being unhealthy” perfect is when I can just be without judging myself. I have to loosen up and live outside of my robotic rules, because otherwise I might get to forty and wonder what the hell happened and when I stopped living? And that’s a nightmare. Last night I had one beer, and today I had a real coffee. I wont start boozing and drinking coffee regularly because that will not make me happy, but I will not allow myself to feel like I have let myself down if I have a beer or a coffee once in a while. For normal people this is probably gibberish. Most people probably don’t think anywhere near this, but for me it is a constant dialogue in my head. And I just try to feed both sides evenly so the crazy-addictive side doesn’t take over the crazy-rules side.

I actually love my life now. More than I’ve ever loved life before. But I’m constantly working on getting better, happier and healthier, and sometimes you have to take a few steps back in order to get back on the right track.

Old places, old habbits

It’s funny, or not funny really. Strange might be the word. Frustrating? It’s like all my restlessness, lack of self esteem and obscure body image is trapped in the walls of my old room. I’m easily agitated. I feel fat but I know that I’m not. I’m frustrated with mum and dad, or mostly dad. Or his carriage? It’s like my old soul was waiting for me here.

Well this sounds a bit worse than it is. We are having an amazing time, mostly, and I love spending time with my parents. I don’t want to get away from them. I love them. But sometimes I get so frustrated because they aren’t taking care of themselves in the way I would love them to. Because I care about them. I Suppose this is how frustrated they used to be with me. When I didn’t care about my health. When I drank too much. When I starved. So I suppose that we are even now. But Life isn’t a competition, and I just want them to be happy. Like they wanted me to be happy back then. I feel my old feelings of helplessness awakens. And I feel this field of electricity in my body, like I can’t reach them. I cant reach dad and his carriage. And then I feel like my body is not what I want it to be. Like I did then. Like my old self would think. And feel.

Adrian wondered how I feel here. He could sense something. Am I’m happy. Content? Honestly, I just feel lost in my body. But happy to be here. And then it fucking hit me. It’s lingonberry week soon. It’s not the walls, and old habits entering my body. It’s my bloody, literally, hormones messing with my brain. Like they do every single month. And that I always forget. Surprise surprise.

Vacation at home!

What a weird feeling. Strange experience. I’m back in Stockholm, in the hippie apartment, with paintings and concrete tables everywhere. Plants and guitars. Circus lights and love. I love this apartment, and walking in I didn’t feel like it had been more then a week since I last was there. The only thing that felt weird was the dining table. It used to be so big. And now it felt so small. As an effort to beat the jetlag we decided to go for a walk up the main street. Get some fresh air to keep us from falling asleep to early. It’s interesting. Two years has passed but the first person I see on the street is the lady with the trolley. She is homeless and walks around with a trolley brimmed with god knows what. Bags and blankets. Every time I see her I wonder what she has in that trolley, and how often she goes through it. Like my dad believes that his body is a carriage, Marie- which is her name, might believe that the trolley is a part of her. She asks for money to buy food and coffee. Two years, and it’s like nothing has changed.

It’s a fun experience to go on a holiday to a place that used to be home. That feels like home in my body. My mum and dad picked us up from the airport. Dad was so excited to tell us he had bought a summer-car, so that we can go places easy when we are here. He is the one person that beats up the price rather than down. It’s a total wreck. Wholes and rust everywhere. And when he proudly shows us the car and open the trunk we see that one tire is completely flat. He brings Adrian along with him to find a gas station with a pump while mum and I are left on the airport parking. Old me would be angry, annoyed and embarrassed. But I can’t do anything but laugh and love. I love them both…so much.

We never question what’s killing us

The rules of society overrules the rules of biology.

It just hit me then, that barely no one is questioning how and why we use and eat things that are slowly killing us, but everyone is questioning you when you are using things and avoiding other, that will make you live longer and healthier.

Basically everything that we are used to, that is normal, things that we doesn’t question, is actually not biologically right, we all know it. And everything that in our society seems like extreme is most likely biologically right to our bodies and minds. We all know that too. Drinking is an obvious example. It’s extremely weird not to drink in our society, it’s not accepted, even if everyone knows that not drinking is better for our body and brain.

It’s extreme to eat only raw, fresh produce chemical free food. People get sort of annoyed if you have a socially “strict” diet, but for our body would be the “normal” and most beneficial diet. Working out everyday is extreme. Not for our body if we work out smart an funktional. If parents are feeding their kids no sugar, no chemicals and no processed food; people react like the parents are taking away their children’s childhood, but biologically speaking what the parents are doing is actually creating the best environment for their bodies and brains to grow. It’s arguably not socially accepted to do what is biologically best for our kids.

Why is it that everything that is best for our bodies, our brains and us is looked upon as socially extreme and “bad”? We are doing things to our body every singe day that is actually destroying our cells and immune system, and causing us diseases. Still people have to justify eating clean and healthy, and no one ever have to justify eating shit and not caring about their health?

What does this say about our society and how we live? I promote love and happiness, and I’ve found that as close to what is natural, not to society, but to the biologically reality I live, the happier, healthier and more energetic I feel.

Stockholm, first time in two years

We are off to Sweden. For three weeks Adrian and I will be cruising down the streets of Stockholm, maybe pop over to Copenhagen if we feel the urge to. I think a lot about what I want to do first. I don’t miss Sweden in particular that much. But there are a few people over there I can’t wait to get my arms around. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Stockholm, with it’s water and buzzing atmosphere in the spring and summer-time. Swedes are like hibernating animals, who sleep-walk through the winter. When spring comes it’s like they’ve all been slapped in the face by the most beautiful hand. A switch happen. In almost everyone’s mood. You can feel it vibrate when you walk the streets of Stockholm. The collective mood of all it’s citizen. Throughout the spring and summer they are connecting. Meeting each other’s eyes, smiling, doing. Living. When the darkness kicks in in company with the cold, eyes stare down on the ground. Disconnect. They rush from A to B without seeing people around them. Without living.

Luckily we arrive when summer meets it’s peak. The day after midsummer; one of the biggest Swedish holidays. The one when we dance around a giant green pole covered with flowers (which symbolizes a dick penetrating the earth). The most classic dance is called “little frogs”. We drink snaps and sing songs to help us all get evenly drunk. People pass out. Vomit. Laugh. It’s the lightest day of the year and before midnight girls are supposed to collect seven different flowers, jump over seven different fences and then put the flowers under their pillow at nigh. The person she dreams of if the one she will marry. (They weren’t gender neutral, and as understanding back when this all started).

So, Adrian and I arrive the day after this whole shenanigan, which means that we can spend the whole first day or two just focusing on mum and dad, since all of the others will be super hang over and probably lack all kinds of endorphins and energy. But that’s totally fine; I think my mum will be satisfied to get her hands on us first.

I can’t wait to see Stockholm and meet everyone I love with my new eyes and calm brain! See you Sunday Stockholm.

SMLXL

When what you’re good at doesn’t feed your soul

Just because you are good at something and comfortable doing it, it doesn’t mean that it feeds your soul. I read this somewhere and I had to write it down. I don’t remember where I saw it. Being good at something and loving to do something is two totally different things. This is something I have to work on constantly, because I tend to easily fall back on what is comfortable, and what I’m good at. I have often been to scared to loose something I love, that I never try to do what actually fulfils me. I think that this might speak to a lot of people. I would be good at many jobs, but there is not many that will fulfill me. Time spent working on/with something that doesn’t feed your soul  takes away a little spark of your life. I think. That’s why I’m on a hunt for a future where what I do constantly nourish my soul, brain and heart.

 I’ve either been to scared to loose or had a lack of trust in my own ability to lead my own life. If you don’t believe that you can do something, If you don’t believe that you have what it takes; you wont! In saying that though, you can create that belief, and when you understand that no one has chosen for you what you can or cannot do; you have chosen it, you can do and achieve whatever you choose to. This might take some time. It mightn’t happen over night. I still argue with the voices of doubt in my head. I bang them down like that mole game, where moles pop up and you slam them down with a hammer. But once you start banging those doubtful moles down it refreshes both you and your confidence. You start a good cycle. Good thoughts feed of other good thoughts and soon you have the perfect mental environment to attract your dream life. By taking small actions in the right direction every day, you soon feel that life is actually for you to live, however you want and choose to.

The key to everything- cold showers!

My love for cold showers keep growing bigger. It is almost magical. I can feel so tired, mentally and physically, and then I have an ice cold shower, and it’s like I’ve woken up from a ten-hour sleep without feeling drowsy. It’s like I’ve had the strongest coffee in the world. Everything feels fresh and clear. I fucking love cold showers! I honestly think that cold showers in combination with a healthy diet and meditation is the key to all good life has to offer. It is life-changing.

 I’ve always sort of known that cold showers are good. You always see athletes standing in the cold water to let their muscles recover, and if you briefly google the subject a lot of research are pointing towards cold showers and increased immune system. But it wasn’t until I heard a Joe Rogan podcast with guest Rhonda Patrick I understood how much cold showers actually affect our bodies and brains. I just got so curious of the benefits of cold therapy. I did a mild cyber-stalk and found Dr Rhonda Patrick’s instagram and website; she is seriously cool. And educating. It’s not just pretty pictures on food; you learn shit about your body and brain from her instagram. Like what kale, broccoli and eggs contain, on a “medical-language-level” that I don’t always understand (read never), and exactly why it’s good for you and what it does to our brain and body. I love to know, even if I don’t always understand it all.

 I found a research Dr Rhonda had done on her website (www.foundmyfitness.com) and just reading it made me understand why I felt so good after taking cold showers. I mean, this is serious shit.  Cold showers, and the even more advanced cold therapy form: cryotherapy has been suggested to improve mood, memory, metabolism, fat burning and improve your endurance training, but also increase a type of hormone in your body witch act as an anti-inflammatory agent; norepinephrine. Norepinephrine and its inflammatory-fighting properties play a big role of deceases of inflammatory such as arthritis and depression. Apparently inflammation decreases the brains release of serotonin, so with the release of norepinephrine it fights the inflammation so that the brain can produce serotonin.

 Norepinephrine is not just a hormone, it also a neurotransmitter which play a huge part in attention, focus and your mood. And when you have low levels of Norepinephrine you generally have low energy and mood. In one of her own podcasts she interviewed Ray Cronise, former material scientist at NASA, now a huge experimental metabolism and nutrition investigator (he is on day 23 on a water fast when the interview is made). He recommend doing 10sec warm shower-20sec-cold, and end on cold shower. It really helps your body experience all of those amazing things.

 If you have cold showers in the morning you get more energetic and focused, but if you have them at night, say one hour before bed, you actually improve your chances of having a “sleep like a log” kind of experience (I totally thought that it made you more awake?). That is if you don’t interrupt your brain with blue light from your phone, computer and tv. But I usually lay down in front of the TV after my cold shower and I still sleep like I haven’t slept for days.  It’s all so cool. If you are interested in this you have to read her article, it will give you so much more than I can explain! Like how cold showers actually effect and improve brain-function and even brain damage. Everything that she does is founded by her readers and listeners through crowd founding. This is the sort of shit I want to support! So today, a casual Thursday like this, I give you the gift of Rhonda Patricks. If she ever read this: Thank You for sharing your knowledge!

 https://www.foundmyfitness.com/reports/cold-stress.pdf

 I run past these crazy people every morning I run. 7.30am in 10(°C). They obviously get it!

Money and old habits

Yesterday, my intention was to try and figure out how my parents have affected the way I think and behave today. But then I got so excited about describing my dad with words that I got lost. I can talk about that silent man, that introvert carriage riding spirit, forever. But recently I’ve started to understand that our unconscious carry a lot of blocks, “knowledge” and habits passed on from our parents. It’s interesting when you just ask the questions: how did your parents view money, health, the aim in life, how they deal with anger, sadness, depression. We’ve inherit so much more than just the obvious behaviours. Maybe we haven’t just inherited, it can affect us in other ways. Block our energy, make us feel guilt, shame or happiness when we do, feel or experience certain things because of how our parents have acted around those subjects.

For me, I’ve recently been investigating how my parents thoughts and behaviour with and around money have affected me. We have never had a lot of money, but we have never not had enough either. My parents have both worked full-time jobs, that they haven’t necessarily felt super passionate about, but they rarely complain about having to go to work. It’s just something you do, without contemplating it, because you have to pay the bills. Neither of them care about material things, nice brands, show off cars or anything luxurious. I’ve got a feeling that they either think that you have love, time for your family and friends or financial freedom (with outlier situations). My dad “gave up” his lawyer job so that he could spend time with the family. Because of how the way they didn’t value good brands or material things, I’ve created a feeling of guilt for wanting certain things. Sometimes I might want something, for them unnecessary’ but instead of feeling happy when I finally talked my way into getting it; I always felt guilty because I knew that my parents would be happier if I didn’t want whatever I wanted. I remember vividly how bad I wanted a tamagotchi. My parent’s told me that it’s just commercial shit (without using the word shit), and that I shouldn’t fall for the advertising. But everyone had one. So I made my own in paper. And I played with it. My mum thought that that was so cute, and for my next birthday; which wasn’t too far away, I got my real tamagotchi. I remember acting happy. But I felt so guilty for having made them go against what they believed was right. I obviously didn’t understand why I felt guilty then, but thinking about it now make me realise that that’s why.

These thought patterns about having to work at a job you might not love in order to pay the bills has followed me all throughout my life. Working so that I can be “free” on weekends and holidays. That is when I truly live. Just acknowledging how and why I believe certain things and bringing it back to how my parents acted around those things make me realise that I can actually do my own thing. I don’t have to adopt their thoughts and ways. Not all of them. There are a lot of things I want to duplicate as well. Like the way they talk to children; like they matter and understand everything, the way they always believed that children can teach adults a lot, their unconditional love and interest in their children, and how they always, in every situation put us first. I want my dads patience. He helped me study, sat down with me for hours from the day I sat my foot in school to the day I twelve years later jumped out of my high school for the last time. But when I sometimes feel guilt, or that my energies are blocked somewhere, I go back and ask what my parents thought about that and see if I’ve unconsciously duplicated a behaviour or thought-pattern that actually isn’t align with the life I want to live.

Money and emotional inheritance!

Yesterday, my intention was to try and figure out how my parents have affected the way I think and behave today. But then I got so excited about describing my dad with words that I got lost. I can talk about that silent man, that introvert carriage riding spirit, forever. But recently I’ve started to understand that our unconscious carry a lot of blocks, “knowledge” and habits passed on from our parents. It’s interesting when you just ask the questions: how did your parents view money, health, the aim of life, how they deal with anger, sadness, depression. We’ve inherit so much more than just the obvious behaviours. Maybe we haven’t just inherited, it can affect us in other ways. Block our energy, make us feel guilt, shame or happiness when we do, feel or experience certain things because of how our parents have acted around those subjects.
 For me, I’ve recently been investigating how my parents thoughts and behaviour with and around money have affected me. We have never had a lot of money, but we have never not had enough either. My parents have both worked full-time jobs, that they haven’t necessarily felt super passionate about, but they rarely complain about having to go to work. It’s just something you do, without contemplating it, because you have to pay the bills. Neither of them care about material things, nice brands, show off cars or anything luxurious. I’ve got a feeling that they either think that you have love, time for your family and friends or financial freedom (with outlier situations). My dad “gave up” his lawyer job so that he could spend time with the family. Because of the way they didn’t value good brands or material things, I’ve created a feeling of guilt for wanting certain things. Sometimes I might want something, for them unnecessary’ but instead of feeling happy when I finally talked my way into getting it; I always felt guilty because I knew that my parents would be happier if I didn’t want whatever I wanted. I remember vividly how bad I wanted a tamagotchi. My parent’s told me that it’s just commercial shit (without using the word shit), and that I shouldn’t fall for the advertising. But everyone had one. So I made my own in paper. And I played with it. My mum thought that that was so cute, and for my next birthday; which wasn’t too far away, I got my real tamagotchi. I remember acting happy. But I felt so guilty for having made them go against what they believed was right. I obviously didn’t understand why I felt guilty then, but thinking about it now make me realise that that’s why.

 These thought patterns about having to work at a job you might not love in order to pay the bills has followed me all throughout my life. Working so that I can be “free” on weekends and holidays. That is when I truly live. Just acknowledging how and why I believe certain things and bringing it back to how my parents acted around those things make me realise that I can actually do my own thing. I don’t have to adopt their thoughts and ways. Not all of them. There are a lot of things I want to duplicate as well. Like the way they talk to children; like they matter and understand everything, the way they always believed that children can teach adults a lot, their unconditional love and interest in their children, and how they always, in every situation put us first. I want my dads patience. He helped me study, sat down with me for hours from the day I sat my foot in school to the day I twelve years later jumped out of my high school for the last time. But when I sometimes feel guilt, or that my energies are blocked somewhere, I go back and ask what my parents thought about that and see if I’ve unconsciously duplicated a behaviour or thought-pattern that actually isn’t align with the life I want to live.

 
 

 

My dad lives in a carriage!

Our parents and our past life play a big part in our thinking pattern today. Our thinking habits that create our reality. Or this is what I believe. If we just accept our thinking habits without questioning them, our reality will never change. I won’t be able to do things I’ve been telling myself I can’t. I am what I tell myself that I am. We adopt or get effected of our parents way of living. When we are young we see the world through their reality, through their values. And by the time we start questioning things, we have already created so many habits we are not aware of. But we can bring them into light, by questioning what we are doing, how we are reacting now. Today. Why do I value different things? What did my parents think about that? How is my thoughts connected to the way my parents thought about something?

I love my parents more than anything. They are crazy heads. I’ve told you about my mum who secretly dream about slitting tires of big SUV’s because of the pollution.

My dad is the most unspiritual person who at the same time is the most spiritual one. It’s so hard to explain. He talks about himself in third person. When we were out travelling he “wanted to apologise on the behalf of Arvo (his ugly-cute name) that he was acting so stressed”. He is probably the most unspiritual traveller. Everything is complicated when travelling.

My dad believes that Arvo lives in the carriage that is his body. If you see my dad, or his carriage and him, you wouldn’t guess that this is a person who talks about himself in third person. He is super cute. Have hairy ears if mum doesn’t trim them. They are the cutest couple. Mum is fire. Dad is… mud. Mud in the most beautiful way.

What they have done for me, and how they have put up with me and all my shit throughout the years, is to me fascinating. I mean, I was inside me. So I know. I was in the storm. I was the storm, and I couldn’t escape it. But they had to live with the storm. Day in. Day out. And try to dance all kinds of sun-dances around me. They tried to calm the storm. But the storm could only calm itself.

My parents have done everything for me. They have loved me, trusted me, and believed in me. They have spoiled me, cared for me. They have been angry with me, and I have been angry with them. Oh how angry I’ve been. Phones have been thrown into the wall, books have flown out the window. But they have never stopped trying to figure out how to turn my anger into love. Self love. And love for life.

I know that soon enough I can give back. I give back already. With love, and understanding. I give back with the fact that they can now be calm. Enjoy the calm mind, after the storm. But I’ve got a lot more to give. A lot more to do for, and with my parents. There are no actions in this world that can show how grateful I am for these two freaks of nature. Or three. Mum, Arvo and the carriage he is in. And by the end of this week I can be in their little hippie home in Stockholm and get my feet rubbed and moisturised by mum. Who gets her feet rubbed and moisturised by Arvo and the carriage. Maybe I can rub the carriage’s feet this time, no-one ever does.

SMLXL